A dire warning to Walsall South: It’s hard to be heard without a really big… oh, never mind. Spotted on Facebook yesterday. I’ll spare the spotter’s blushes, but thanks.

Sue Arnold, losing parliamentary candidate for Walsall South would like to graciously thank the residents there for all the votes, and isn’t bitter at all that sitting MP Valerie Vaz increased her majority – some could read Sue’s thank you message as a dire warning that they’ve made the wrong decision, but I’m sure that’s an unfortunate ambiguity.

Meanwhile, the menu for the Walsall Conservative Party dinner to thank Sue Arnold and Douglas Hansen-Luke for their brave, but vain efforts to take Walsall North and South back for the Tories has been leaked.

Starters

Bitter gourd salad, glazed with tears
Fresh Darlaston devilled kidneys served with relish 
Savoury stuffed pear with added spice
Aged mutton tikka prada with prune jus

Mains

Overpulled pork in a a surfeit of oil
Grilled kippers in a fifty thousand traffic island dressing
Matured goose tart with a wistful ennui sauce
Bully beef hash
Sitting duck served with plum in mouth

(All meat produced on land bought from the proceed of it’s own hard work)

Mains served with fresh lemons to suck, Brownhills popcorn, and pre-arranged vegetables

Dessert

Old fruit fool
Eton Mess
A mere trifle with roasted nuts
A selection of hard cheeses and crackers

And from the drinks trolley

Best Bloxwich Bitter
Willenhall Whisky Sours
Butts Bitter Lemon
Calldmore Bitters

Waitress Wendy will be glad to serve the party as required.

Tickets £3.50 from ‘Honest Mike’ on the Pheasey. Dress code: peaked too soon glamour
One night only, while the celebrants are still waiting for their taxis